I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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