____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
