I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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