i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
