u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
