Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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