so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
