i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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