Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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