this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize