Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
