My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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