Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
