i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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