I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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