Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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