I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
