I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize