Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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