Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
