Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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