I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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