So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize