I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
