i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm getting married
To pizza
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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