Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Still dying that you shit outside
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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