shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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