I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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