shes about as inviting as chlamydia
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
