I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
