Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
