if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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