even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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