I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
