U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
