she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
where does the pee come out of this thing
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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