Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
