Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
