sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
