I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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