I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
