i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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