is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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