The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
