you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
