I think I am morally bankrupt
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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