someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
