i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
