Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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