is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
