I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This toilet bowl is my home.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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