There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
