dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
