it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
