I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
BRING THE BAGELS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
