The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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