Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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