i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
