I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
