Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
