Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
