her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
