Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
